Brad Roller, our Vistage (peer group) Chairman, kept a stuffed toy potato within reach during our meetings. Here’s why.
Part of the Vistage discipline was how we processed issues.
- A member brought a written presentation outlining the issue of concern.
- The rest of us were given time to ask clarifying questions, which that member answered.
- Once the clarifying questions were finished, the member listened as each of us said what we would do to overcome the issue.
- Brad then closed the session by asking the member, “What did you hear?” — so those giving advice could be sure they had been understood correctly.
Sounds cumbersome, but it was worth every extra minute. It is human nature to rush to judgment, often before we are sure of the facts we are judging. And rushing to judgment has ruined many lives.
I suppose it’s a bit like “seek first to understand.” But here’s where the toy potato came in.
If a member asked a question that was really a suggestion in disguise, Brad would throw the potato at them. Catching that potato was like having a penalty flag thrown at your feet. The “question” was disqualified and Brad moved on to the next member.
Because of the work I do, I spend a lot of time with people who seek my advice. It’s a jungle out there. And the only way through that jungle is by learning to ask better questions — questions that do not lead, but invite the other person to probe more deeply into their own issue.
Wrong question: “Have you thought about firing this difficult employee?”
Right question: “How does this employee’s behavior affect team performance?” Or, “Have you named the specific behaviors directly to that employee?”
Wrong question: “Have you tried to reach the bank president to discuss your credit issue?”
Right question: “Who have you spoken to at the bank about your credit issue?”
Subtle differences, perhaps. But they are not.
If someone comes to me to discuss a personal, business or career problem, I could ask questions all day and still not understand their situation entirely. What complicates it further is that each of us has a different way, and a different level, of opening up. For most, it is hard to let anyone see inside. And once we do, we feel extremely vulnerable. Sharing your own thoughts or experiences too soon is a great way to have your friend close down and isolate.
I have learned that the greatest advice I can give is no more than empathetic, inquisitive listening. I learned it from my mom. Perhaps part of how she acquired it was her career as a journalist.
When my sibs or I took a problem to our mom, she would ask lots of questions. And when we pressed her to tell us what to do, she would often say, “What do you think you should do?” Then she would listen quietly while we worked our way toward an answer, wearing that sweet, gentle smile of hers. If we were way off, she would ask more questions. If she heard nothing harmful in what we said, she would excuse herself for some other matter. The message, I later learned, was, “Since you will bear the consequence, the decision needs to be yours alone.”
Today, I understand that mom wasn’t just teaching us critical thinking. She was also protecting herself. I can’t tell you the number of times I have dressed up an answer as a question, steering a friend toward a decision too quickly — a decision they later hated me for suggesting.
And I have plenty of my own decisions I hate myself for already. Why add theirs?
Peace,
Tim McCarthy
